While I was sitting tonight I found myself overcome by a desire to be at Sesshin. Days with nothing to do. Nowhere to go. Nowhere but here. No escape, no burning desire to get off the cushion and go do - what? But then, I remembered. It wasn't true. The mind will grasp at whatever it can. It doesn't matter that breakfast is 2 hours of sitting from now. Or that it won't come again until tomorrow. You can be hungry now. All of my normal anxiety was poured into food at my last Sesshin. My world revolved around it - I can remember the times, sitting at the benches, waiting for the other students to get their food so I could eat mine. And then the release. I didn't think it was possible to pig out on oatmeal, or go back for thirds of carrot soup. But it is.
I guess I don't know what I'm trying to say, except, maybe, that when that urge to be elsewhere comes up, on the cushion, or off, just realize - you can't run from yourself. You may as well sit down, relax, and get to work just being you.
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